Parenting Information From Your Director

How To Over Come Your Children's Temper Tantrums

When children throw tantrums, often the parent doesn’t know exactly how to react. If the tantrum is thrown in a public place, the parent may become even more frustrated with their child. Frustration doesn’t belong solely to the parent, however. Typically, when a child throws a tantrum it is because she cannot handle her own frustration.

What can you do to prevent or at least handle these tantrums? Of course, the simplest solution is to try and prevent the tantrums from beginning. Try not to set extreme limits on your child. Even young toddlers respond well to choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed”, you could say, “Do you want to brush your teeth first, or would you rather put on your pajamas?” The end result will be the same, but you have given your child the opportunity to participate in decisions.

Pay attention to your child’s physical and emotional state. Is she extremely tired? Did she miss her naptime? Has she been sick? Are there changes occurring in your home, such as a move, divorce, or death in the family? All of these factors can lead to the onset of a tantrum.

Of course, you won’t always be able to stop a tantrum before it starts. So, how do you handle it? Some children respond well to touch. If your child is in the midst of a major fit, hold her close to your body. As her tantrum starts to recede, she may feel comforted to feel the warmth of your body against hers. Maybe all she needs is that extra cuddle from you, but she is too young to put that into words.

You could also kneel down and take her hands in yours. Try to make eye contact

with her, and tell her quietly to calm down and breathe deeply with you. Speak softly, maybe even in a whisper, so that she has to be quiet to hear you.

Contact can have the opposite effect on some children, though. You may find that your child becomes even angrier if you try to hold her against you. She may fight you and become fully enraged. If this is the case, you will need to try a different approach. You don’t want to make her feel confined.

If you have an older child, you can tell her that you are leaving the room, and she can come to you when she has finished throwing her tantrum. This will only work, however, if you are sure she will not hurt herself in the process. When you take away her audience, many times you are taking away her reason for having a fit.

Try not to react loudly to your child’s tantrums. It is better to pull away from the situation emotionally. You can still remain with your child, but if you yell or talk loudly and angrily, you will only be magnifying the situation. Your child doesn’t need to feel that she has the power to make you lose control. Don’t let her harm herself or you, either. Once she realizes that she has this type of influence, she may be even more prone to throw fits.

Often, parents give into their child’s tantrums in public places because it is easier than handling them. Again, you are giving the child a harmful feeling of power that will be difficult to undo. If you and your child are in a public area when she has one of her tantrums, you could tell her that you will take her home, or tell her that you will take away a privilege or a toy unless she stops. You still want to remain as calm as possible, but you do want to speak to her in a no-nonsense manner.

Try to keep in mind that toddlers do not consciously plan to throw tantrums. They just haven’t matured enough to properly handle their emotions. It is up to you to show them how to handle themselves in stressful situations. You can do this partly by example. It is perfectly acceptable to teach your child that her tantrum could have consequences such as a loss of privilege or a timeout. You do need to be sure that the consequence is age appropriate for your child.

Even though tantrums are unpleasant, parents need to remember that children eventually outgrow the need to throw them. As your child matures, she will learn to handle her emotional outbursts in a different and calmer manner. Until then, try to remain calm as you handle each of your child’s tantrums.

 

The Importance of Consistency

From the day your child is born, he begins to learn about the world around him. They learn what they can trust, and what they cannot trust. As children grow, their young minds continue to reprocess the messages that they receive. In order for them to make sense of those messages, they need to be consistent.

When parents are consistent from the start, children learn what they can expect from their parents. This helps in the bonding process. Consistency gives a child a sense of security. They know when they cry, a caring parent is going to be there with a bottle or ready to change a diaper. Babies with consistent parents experience less anxiety. They learn they can rely on their parents and trust that their needs will be met.

Keeping regular routines with a child is also an important part of consistency. Days are less chaotic and arguments more infrequent if a child knows what is expected of them upon rising, after school, or when going to bed. Consistency helps a child develop a sense of responsibility in that they know exactly what is required of them.

Children are also less likely to test boundaries or push limits that are firmly set when they know that there will be consequences for deviant behavior. They learn that “no” means “no.” Consistency teaches children cause-and-effect relationships, which helps them as they grow with their ability to make wiser decisions.

Inconsistency can lead to a number of problems because of the messages it sends. Consider this example: a child begins to act silly at the dinner table one night. Because you are in a good mood, you laugh, perhaps even join in a bit. You see no harm in a little goofing off. The child gets the message that, not only is it okay to behave this way, but that it is a good way to get attention. A few nights later, the child acts up again. This night, however, you are in no mood for it. You had a bad day at the office and are tired. You say harsh words, make threats, or perhaps punish the child. The other night you did it yourself, so the child doesn’t think it is the behavior that is wrong. The child is now confused, perhaps feeling anger and resentment towards you. This can lead to rebellion. Rather than learning what is and is not acceptable behavior at the dinner table, your child has learned that you are unfair, and is still unclear on what constitutes proper behavior.

It can be difficult for a parent to maintain the consistency a child needs in this busy world, full of over stimulation. We don’t want to be the bad guy; we don’t want to feel we are being harsh or unyielding. We’re overworked and tired, and an extra 15 minutes of television watching, or letting a broken curfew slide doesn’t seem like it will be the end of the world. However, the more leeway we give our children when it comes to keeping routines and following rules, the more incentive we are giving them to try to push those boundaries even further.

If you have not been consistent with your child, it is never too late to begin. You may find it difficult when beginning to instill good habits and enforce rules. You will most likely be met with resistance that will test your own patience. In the long run, however, developing consistent routines, boundaries and consequences will benefit both you and your child.

 

Talking With Children About Feelings

Children experience their own feelings, and are exposed to the feelings of family members, friends, relatives, teachers, and acquaintances at an early age. In fact there is a constant barrage of emotions hitting the individual from conception. At what point do parents begin to talk with their children? When are children responsive to their parents emotions? Is it necessary to educate the child on feelings, or allow the developmental process to take its course?

It is extremely important for parents to begin talking with children about their feelings at an early age. In the beginning the cooing of the parent to the infant is truly for the benefit of mom and dad, but it is an opening of the doors. If the parent starts when the child is an infant discussing feelings such as: Are you feeling sad today? Are you lonely? You look depressed in that stupid outfit your mother put you in. This begins the practice of affective language. It prepares the parent for confronting emotions in the future and opening lines of communication.

At about 18 months the child becomes aware that other people and things have feelings. This is the point where imaginative play begins. Children are role-playing with trucks, dolls, and stuffed animals. They may identify with a character in a movie and discuss the feelings of the character in different situations. These are opportunities for the parent to engage and talk about how feelings are important in the child’s life. As the child develops the discussions on feelings will expand.

The parent may start with a toddler by stating: “Oh, it looks like the dinosaur is mad when people are mean, how do you feel when people are mean to you?” As the child matures into 5, 6, and beyond the discussions will include more complex explorations such as:

"You ran into the other room and were quiet for a long time. Can you tell me what you were feeling? Maybe you felt left out, or lonely? Can you describe how it feels when this happens?"

It is amazing the insights a 6-year old will yield when given the opportunity to talk about the inner-world of emotions. It can be overwhelming and enlightening at the same time. Overall it is a worthwhile endeavor that will lead to better communications in the parent-child relationship through the lifespan. The following are some tips on how to encourage discussions of feelings with children.

· Help a child identify their emotions by supplying them with a choice of feelings: Are you feeling sad, alone, unwanted, as though no one loves you, as though you can’t do anything right, etc.

· Talk about good feelings, and bad feelings, so the whole range of emotions can be shared experiences.

· Open the conversation with an empathetic opener such as: “You look down.” “Your eyes say something is wrong.” “You seem very excited.”

· If a child is verbally advanced, allow him/her to do most of the talking. The fact that you are listening may be enough to encourage their discourse.

· Listen to the child, but do not try to negate, or take the feelings away from him/her. Otherwise the child will believe that you do not want him/her to feel certain things and will hide those emotions from you.

· Be open to sharing your emotions both good and bad with your child. Children need to know sometimes that adults feel unsure, lonely, unloved, and even that they sometimes have tantrums.

· If your children can open up to you when they are small they will be primed to sharing in those difficult years. It is important to take the time to create a pattern of sharing and acceptance. The identification and expression of feelings is not just a developmental process; it is a skill to be developed by both the child and the parent.

 

How to be a Good Role Model for Your Children

There are many parents today that find themselves unsure and uninformed about how to be a positive influence on their children or other young people in their lives. It is a daunting task when one looks at what children today are faced with such as peer pressure and improper influences who are involved in activities inappropriate for children to emulate.

Unfortunately with the number of people in this society involved in using drugs or alcohol, and the number of households where abuse is an everyday occurrence, it is no wonder that children from these homes would view this behavior as normal and even typical.

So the task for today's families is to be positive and active examples in our children's lives. To do this we must start with open communication and a willingness to actually sit down and discuss issues with our kids. Ask your children if he/she has any topic they would like to discuss. Be open and relaxed, and be prepared to offer suggestions to your child to solve whatever may be bothering them. Let him/her know that you are always available to discuss whatever problem or situation your child may have on their mind.

Be involved in your child's activities. Active involvement in sports, academics, etc. makes a world of difference. It has been proven that children from households where the parents participate in their sports, hobbies, or other activities are much less likely to become involved in drugs, gangs, or other illegal behaviors.

Encourage good behavior. Reward your children for work well done.

Physical rewards such as praising and acknowledging work well done will give your child incentive to keep up the good work.

Children look for acceptance, and when the parents are not accommodating they often seek that acceptance elsewhere. This is one of the main things that people involved in gangs, violence, and sexual promiscuity have said they lacked as children, and this is the main reason given for turning to these kinds of behaviors.

Be a mentor to your child. Show your child an example of a successful and happy adult. Take advantage of days such as "Take your child to work day" to show your child the responsibilities of hard work, and the rewards of being successful. Let your child know that hard work pays off and teach them responsibility by letting them get a paper route, mow lawns, or other beneficial activities. You will see how teaching a good work ethic will give your child pride in their abilities and greatly boost self-esteem.

Get involved in your community. Become a mentor to an at-risk child or teen. This will often become the change these kids need to become successful in life and avoid the pitfalls of society. You will be surprised at what this experience will also teach you about tolerance, understanding, and your ability to change the life of another person and make their life more consequential.

Understanding our kids and making them better people is a contribution to the greater good of this earth. Being a good role model is the most important job you will ever have, and teaching your kids to be an important figure in someone else's life is an investment in the future of our society.

How to Handle Bathroom Accidents

As your child learns to use the potty by herself, she’ll undoubtedly experience accidents. You need to be encouraging but mildly disappointed throughout the training process when encouraging your child to correct bathroom errors.

Children want to do things more and more on their own as they grow older. They want to eat on their own, they want to walk and talk on their own, and they want to go to the bathroom on their own.

Learning to use the potty is not always an easy concept to master. Some children catch on quickly, but plenty others take months to learn that EVERY time they need to go to the bathroom, they need to do that IN the bathroom. There undoubtedly will be mistakes that happen.

When your child goes to the bathroom in her pants during the training process, the best thing you can do is to disappointedly say, “Oh, that’s too bad. We’ll have to get it right next time.” Don’t scold your child for not going to the bathroom in the right place. That adds unnecessary stress that can do more harm than good. You want to be disappointed but encouraging to your son or daughter.

You then need to perhaps show your son and daughter the proper place they should have gone. Take them to the bathroom and again show them that they should have gone in the commode rather than in their pants. Many parents also get training stools, shorter, smaller chairs where babies and toddlers can go to the bathroom. This gets them used to sitting on a seat when going to the bathroom, which often eases the transition to the adult toilet within a few weeks.

The best thing you can do when your child has a bathroom accident is to be supportive. Don’t yell or sound overly upset, this won’t help your child learn where to do it right, it will only make her feel as if she has done something seriously wrong.

What is the Importance of Reading to Children?

You probably like to read. After all, you are reading this article, and have probably read many other sources, online and otherwise, in the last week. Reading is fun, entertaining, educational, and down right exciting. Reading is the only way I know that you can turn a page and enter a world.

Children from all backgrounds, ethnicities, and income levels love to be read to by their parents. They enjoy being read to by teachers, friends, other kids, librarians, but especially by their own mom and dad.

The reason behind this is simple, really. Reading is a time to draw closer together. It's like taking a family vacation without the car, the gas, the weather, the bathroom stops and the fighting. In other words, it's a lot like having fun.

Children enjoy the stories, especially when they are read with love and emotion, but even more importantly, they love to feel the physical closeness and the feeling that they are loved. This is a time for parents and their children to ‘bond’.

This is an important part of the reading process, however, the most important part is that children who are read to will, in turn, read better on their own. This is a proven fact. Children who have parents or caregivers who read to them perform 10% and higher on Word Frequency Evaluation Tests and Standardized Tests. So, putting it simply, reading to your child will not only encourage them to read, it will open their future achievement levels to new heights.

Some of the best children’s books I’ve ever read are about interaction between a child and their parent or parents. The list of those that I recommend can be found below.

I love you this much---Carlito & Maddox's Fave

Love you forever---Melany & Mia's Fave

I promise I’ll find you---Nico, Jovani, Zoe's Fave

Goodnight Moon---Camilla & Sasha's Fave

Children’s Golden Treasury of goodnight stories

You can find these books at many large retail stores, second hand bookstores, and online. I encourage you to find these, tuck your special child into their bed, cozy and warm...and travel with them.

It’s destined to be a good trip.

Effective Discipline for Teaching Your Children

Children require many things from parents. The greatest challenge for parents come from the emotional requirements of child rearing. There are very few parents that need lessons in how to love their child, the most important emotional ingredient. But, a major dilemma occurs in knowing how best to discipline a child so that in the end we will have a happy, healthy adult with self-discipline. The questions that parents ask themselves often are, Am I too strict? Is my spouse too lenient? Will I spoil my child? Will my child learn to limit his or her self if I impose too many limits? All these questions are concerns for parents.

The most important concept of discipline is that it gives knowledge and skills. It is very different than punishment, which is the consequence of an unacceptable behavior. By incorporating a consistent, positive approach in your discipline techniques will minimize the need for punishment. Appropriate discipline techniques cannot be learned in five minutes, even as adults we are still learning. There will be times when adults will make mistakes, but the key is to be consistent and positive.

There are some important principles to discipline that should be practiced. First and foremost young infants need a safe environment this is entirely the parent’s job. Discipline should begin when an infant becomes mobile. It is a mistake to wait until the child is two to three years of age, at this age if no discipline has been administered the child will be very difficult and assert their independence. Discipline should be geared to age-appropriate learning. Catch your child being good and praise him or her, constantly correcting mistakes is not enough. Above all else children learn by actions, do the right thing yourself. Nobody is as important to your child as you are, and they learn by watching you. Praise and hug liberally after the discipline discussion. Be sure your child knows you dislike a behavior not him or her.

For infants, safety is the most important concern. Infants are responsive to a sharp no or hot. They will learn your displeasure when your firm voice is accompanied by holding their hands if they scratch or pull. Older infants and toddlers need a structured environment that minimizes the risk of ruining vases or expensive equipment. Toddlers need a firm voice for discipline and a redirection toward acceptable playthings. You will need also to ignore your toddler on occasions, do not reward attention seeking behavior like tantrums. But you must limit problem behavior such as biting or hitting. Praise for a good job is of the utmost importance for a toddler and older infant.

Preschoolers need parents with unbelievable patience, fortitude and stamina. As a parent of a preschooler you will need to be clear and consistent with rules and expectations and you must repeat them often. You will need to acknowledge their complaints or actions and give them explanations on why it is or is not done said or behave a certain way. In cases there will be a need for removal now and talk later. If a child is hitting another child, it will be best to remove the child from the situation to a quiet physical isolation, followed with an explanation. This will help defuse a situation, give a message, and teach about consequences. Praise your toddler when they are doing a good job and when they have learned something.

School age children are barely a step above preschoolers they also need the same as preschoolers and opportunities to explain and express themselves. They need the opportunities to choose, if the house rule is bedtime at 8:00 p.m. and they wish an extra thirty minutes of viewing television. Then a choice can be implemented of viewing the extra thirty minutes of television that night and no television on the weekend. This will allow your child a choice and it will give them a valuable opportunity to make their own choice. They also need opportunities to solve problems. Give your child a chance to work at a problem that effects them, with a solution that is agreed upon by the child and you as their parent.

Adolescents will continue the limit testing that they started as infants. Even the best discipline system will be tested during adolescence. When disciplining adolescents they need a continual program, keep they same discipline techniques as when they were younger, but you will need to lengthen discussions. They need discussions on the long-term consequences of today’s behavior. It will be much easier to have limit settings that is agreed on rather than imposed arbitrarily, although the parents must ultimately establish the limit boundary. You will need to set limits that increase according to your child’s maturity and the ability to choose wisely.

Many doctors, organizations, and parents have different views on punishment. The American Academy of Pediatric unequivocally opposes corporal punishment in schools and asserts that in the family, punishment and restriction, when necessary must be immediate and not physically harmful to the child. Still other experts tolerate one swat on the bottom with an open hand, but decry anything more. Nevertheless, all parenting experts agree that there are better alternatives.

 

Bed wetting Cures

Wetting the bed can be a very embarrassing and troublesome burden for children and parents alike. Parents feel guilty thinking they must be doing something wrong if they can’t help their child stop. Children feel guilty because they believe it is “wrong” to wet the bed and that they have done something naughty. Cleanup can be time consuming, costly, and annoying. However there is help. There are ways for parents to help stop nightime accidents and to make their children feel better about themselves.

Stop Feeling Guilty. Both parents and children need to realize that bed wetting is not something to feel guilty about. It’s a situation that with time, work and patience can be treated. Parents are not raising their children wrong if there is a bed wetting problem, and children who wet the bed are not naughty. Children do not want to or like to wet the bed and do not do it on purpose.

Do Not Punish. Unfortunately many parents punish children when they wet the bed. This only makes the child feel guiltier, more ashamed and more embarrassed. It also makes the parents more upset, and less tolerating. This does not help the child or parent.

Use Plastic. Save some sanity. Using plastic sheets to protect the mattress will not make a child think he has “permission” to wet the bed and so continue to do so. Children do NOT like to wet bed. Plastic sheets will help save the mattress, and give everyone less to worry about when it comes to cleaning up the mess.

Clean up. Let your child know that he or she is expected to help clean up the mess. Children can help take wet sheets and blankets to the laundry, wash off plastic sheets, etc. They need to realize this is part of their responsibility so it helps encourage them to want to stop. This is not to be used as a punishment, simply taking responsibility for their own accidents.

Keep children stress free and calm. When helping a child to stop bed wetting it’s important to make their environment calm and stable. Don’t try to stop bed wetting when there is a lot of excitement around them – holidays, and other special events are distracting so a child is not focusing on stopping. This also applies to bedtime. Don’t let children get wound up before bedtime so they have a hard time winding back down. Once again the distractions are too much for them to handle.

The Child’s Responsibility. Children have to realize, for many reasons, that their body is their responsibility. A child needs to know that his or her bladder control is up to him or her. They have to take the ultimate responsibility for stopping bed wetting. Parents cannot do for them. Because of this, it is counter productive to wake a child during the night to use the bathroom. The child will simply expect that mom or dad will wake them up and that he or she doesn’t have to worry about it. It must be up to the child to succeed.

Make sure your child is getting enough sleep. If children are use to getting less hours of sleep than what they need, they may sleep so deeply that the urge to use the bathroom does not wake them up. Make sure your child has a set bedtime and sticks to it getting at least 8 hours of sleep each night.

No drinks before bedtime. Help your child succeed by cutting off drinks at least an hour before bedtime, especially caffeinated drinks.

Reward Success! Give positive feedback for every dry night, when your child reaches a week give an extra reward, another for a month. Positive reinforcements will help you and your child on a road to dry sheets and your child will be accident free!

Parenting Techniques: Consequences are Teaching for Structure

There are a variety of elements to good parenting and of course much is dependent on so many factors ranging from nature to nurture, genetics vs environment. However, a key element in parenting that cannot be overlooked is teaching.

More specifically, teaching consequences to children to help them take responsiblity for their actions, to prepare them for life in the "real" world and to give them the tools to be part of society, part of the process of socialization. In this article we will discuss some of those key strategies for teaching children consequences and the most effective way so utilizing these methods. We will also briefly look at some of the consequences of NOT applying or teaching consequences, of setting healthy boundaries, and limits. We will include looking at positive approaches, such as rewards in a consistant manner as well.

First and foremost we should look at what consequences revolve around. In psychological evalutions looking for family structure, we look at what duties or tasks a child has responsibility for in the household. Whether this is taking out the garbage or washing dishes or good grades or mowing the lawn or babysitting younger children, we look at the consequences for not doing the duty and how often or quickly it is done. If there are NO consequences then there is no structure, no teaching or learning of responsibility and problems, and discipline problems start to crop up. We see problems in roles between parent and child and sometimes the child may or may not assume a parental role. In order to provide a solid foundation and structure for the parenting of your child, consequences are vital.

Consequences might include restriction (grounding as it is commonly called of a period of time), removal of priviledges (such as the TV or the phone for a period of time), taking away an allowance, which may have been part of a reward system, or a portion of the allowance. Rewards are an important part of this process, finding out what the child wants as well, providing it, but in conjunction with consequences. Consequences as well as rewards must be consistantly applied especially at the beginning of the process. It is a part of learning and repitition is very important. If the child continually fails to do the dishes or take out the garbage then consistantly ground the child or take away a privilege, sometimes increasing the consequence depending on the behavior.

Now what is important to remember is that punishment is a form of learning also. However, it is not always effective over the long term. This sounds like a contradiction but it is not. Punishment is quickly forgotten and in order to keep it in place one must usually increase it over time which is hard on the parent and the child. However, if you do it consistantly and intersperse it with rewards for reinforcement that is remembered. Initially consequences should be used each and every time to get the rule to set in cement. As well will see though, there is some more flexibility in applying consequences once original boundaries have been put in place.

Psychologists have learned over time that once you have taught an original behavior or set consequences in place and reinforced them over a set period of time constantly and consistantly it's harder to change the pattern.

Behavior modification is term that basically means teaching. Studies have found that a child will retain the lesson better if, after initially being reinforced consistantly, it is then reinforced every second or third time or more randomly. This is enough to still enforce the behavior or consequence without causing the child to think if it is not applied once they should forget what they have learned. This is very important. Children will learn the lessons of consequences better IF you draw them out and are more flexible, including with rewards over a period of time, after intially carrying out the consequences each and every time (whether this is seven days or seven weeks to get it set in stone so to speak).

Finally we must remember the classic wisdom that "actions speak louder than words." Children learn from their parents, by their actions, far more than by their words.

So we must not only intially provide consistant consequences or rules to help our children, and then become more flexible without losing the boundaries, but we must also by our own actions reflect our ideals, our morals and values. The best form of teaching is by example. The consequence for not providing structure, for failing to teach our children, can be a heavy one.

Many of those children end up in trouble with the law or in substance abuse programs because they have not had any or enough structure in their lives, because they have not been taught the consequences for their actions and society still imposes those consequences. In the best interests of our children we must impose consequences for structure, never forgetting the positive, the rewarding wonderful parts of parenting. Actions speak louder than words. Impose those consequences and before life does so for your children.

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